So, I've been super stressed lately because I'm at a really low part of my life to the point of having constant breakdowns, a decent number of them happening just over the last few weeks. I have been really low on finances, and haven't been sure of how I am going to pull through.
If you don't already know, I'm only 23, going on 24 years old in April. I just keep seeing all of my friends from high school and college who have their corporate paychecks consistently coming in, and they just seem as if they are already on the path towards having their life together.
I just felt like I'm behind.
I've never been one to not have any money. Ever since I was little, I have saved every bit and have always been very intentional with how I spend. And now, with this business, it just took so much to start it, putting all of my money into it with the hopes of a return in the future that will be worth it. I know that day is near, when things will start turning around. And I'm still so happy to be doing this, but I am just so scared right now. There is just so much risk, and it's a lot for me to be okay with.
Last week in the middle of the afternoon, Ethan and I went for a run around the trails behind my house. When we got back, I all of a sudden felt myself going really quickly into a downward spiral. I could just feel tears building up and I didn't know why. I was trying my hardest to hold them back, and when Ethan found me, he opened the door to our room to ask how I was doing - you know, just a simple question of how I was doing, nothing out of the normal - and I just lost it. I burst into tears and told him I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know why I was feeling so low and why I was crying. I just felt so much emotion.
Within the last month, I've had about 6-8 breakdowns like that. Of just not being able to contain it - really ugly crying.
That's not me. I am not someone who ever feels weak like that. Those moments...just even having those moments is embarrassing to me because I'm not one to lose it like that. I am very mentally strong, very capable, always one to be very independent and have my life together.
With this business, I have really learned a lot about myself because every decision is MY decision. It was my decision to start this wedding planning business at age 22 rather than going the corporate route. It was my decision to let go of my nannying job that provided me consistent income so I could solely focus on this wedding planning business. The reason why I have been having breakdowns so close together lately is because 3 weeks ago, I looked at my finances and I saw I only had enough to get my by for another month and a half, and then I would be at 0.
That was so scary.
I have never experienced that before, being so low. I know it could be way worse. I know there are people out there who are at 0, or who are in debt, or who don't have people who are willing to help them out. Both Ethan and my parents asked me if I needed their help, of needing me to rely on them for a little bit so it could all be okay. I just couldn't say yes. I just couldn't bring myself to admit that I needed help. And, I can't decide if that is healthy or unhealthy. If it's unhealthy to not be able to admit that I need help, or that it was healthy that I am still strong enough to the point that I still believe in myself to know that I can push through this, and that I can come up from this low. Regardless, I knew I would only be okay if I came up with the money myself to make ends meet.
So, I sat down and decided I needed to find a side job to make additional income. I needed a second job.
I still can't accept that this is the reality of where I am at. Back in September, I gave up my nannying gig and I just felt so free that I was doing such a great thing for myself. I felt as if quitting signified a turning-over-a-new-leaf moment of going full-time with the business. But now that I took on this side job, I feel as if I am going one step backward, like I'm regressing and that I didn't do enough to get where I want to be. I feel as if taking this second job means settling, and that I am giving up.
I know that's not the reality because I'm literally just trying to pay the bills. I don't know why I am feeling embarrassed about it. I think it's just because I'm 23 and I don't have what our society dubs as a "real job." Our society makes us think that in order to be successful in life, you have to have that 9-5 corporate job. And my situation just in no way fits that mold. I am currently renting a house with friends from college, I buy the bare minimum of groceries that will get me by.
But this is how much I want to be doing what I do. This is how much love and determination I have for wanting to work with fantastic, appreciative, grateful couples. I'm coming to terms with taking up this additional job just to get by so I can keep the company afloat. I want to be able to continue showing couples my love for them wanting to work with me.
I just wanted to let all of you know where I am at, because I am at the most vulnerable point of my life right now. I've never felt this way and in the past, I never would have been this open with so many of you. But it's time for you to know how much of my heart is in this company, and how much I want it to continue. I want you to know how much I care about making other people happy, and I can't think of anything that would make me happier.